When I was seriously depressed in the past, I have tried to describe the feeling to people. I tell them it is much like crashing into a wall, you hit it hard, you can not get over, around or under it (so no limboing) You come to a dead stop nothing about you works, not your head nor you heart. I was lucky that I knew how to access help, I knew where to go sadly many others don't. It is a struggle to come to terms with what causes your depression and a realisation that some of it is down to you yourself - not an easy admission. Some is down to others and their behaviour and some to environmental or outside situations. This may be how your employers deal with you for example. One of my biggest helps as if you had not guessed is writing down they way I feel about things. Some was even written as poetry, read or painted but a great deal was done by talking to my counsellor who was brilliant. You can defeat the wall by picking at the mortar that holds the bricks together, dislodge the first brick and the way beomes clearer, until you can climb through. Tiny steps one day at a time, focus and breath.
OK so I have hit a bit of a mid-chemo wall this time round, mostly huge fatigue which is one of the key side effects, so no real surprise, but I do feel brighter today.
It is those little moments that matter, like yesterday while standing in the patio door, along came the biggest Dragonfly I had ever seen, with a much smaller mate. They flew around for a long time almost flying at me and into the house. Mick told me to be careful since it the Dragonfly got stressed by being inside it would die immediately. So I carefully closed the door, and just watched this amasing thing flying around the patio, it was a beautiful blue, and it flew so fast yet its wings seemed hardly to move dispite which I did get some idea of how they operate. It was drawn to my neigbours pond and more than a few have been similarly attracted.
Another great moment last week was when I saw 'Our' Woodpecker in the big fir tree, Walking!!! underneath the branch and then climbing up the trunk. This is according to the book, what they do so. This is not a big bird compared to the Woodpigeon and Magpies that share the tree but it's claws and beak are rather large and very strong. What we miss when we don't stop to look is the reason many of us take the wrong road.
See it is the small things that matter.
Love Granny
