I have taken to Blog hopping recently, as a result I have become so concerned about the apparent high number of children, teenagers out there who appear lonely, bullied, disillusioned and demotivated. This in my view makes them ideal targets for unwanted attention by those who seek to abuse.
Life is never easy, it does not fall into easy or comfortable sections just because - out there in commercial land - we are told it should.
If we are fat or thin, short or tall, male, female, transexual, bisexual, homosexual or any thing else we should be defined by who we are as individuals not as a carbon copy human being.
As the old saying says 'SX!# happens' what needs to happen is to rise above it. I hate people who say, if "I can do such and such so can you" because they simply imply and instill failure in the other person.
We need to be true to ourselves and our dreams, not someone elses.
This does not mean that this gives us the right to excuse ourselves from 'acting, doing and being'
To do anything other than engage with life is to give up on life. How you engage is up to the individual - I will not presume to ever offer advice. I am jotting down my feelings and personal ideology developed over 51 years of life experience.
SO WHO AM I? It ws not until the later years of my life that I discovered that the depressive periods I had experienced (for which I was treated, and remain on medication for) had roots in some very strange places.
I can first recall being 'depressed' as a child of 6 when my Grandmother died on my Birthday. I blamed myself for her death, because it was on my birthday. I feared death and often could not sleep because I feared I would never wake up. I was no longer the blond curly haired mini person that I had been. I morphed into a skinny, nervous, rebel unable to talk to my parents.
By the time I was a teenager, around 13 my grandfather came to live with us - he was ill and I resented him. He invaded our space why could he not look after himself. I was of course selfish in youth not to realise the frailty of age and diminished ability. My mother cared for him, and I shared a room with my brother, just when I started my periods which of course drove me to hate that process. I hated that to be a woman I had to go through this monthly nightmare.
I wanted to be a Marxist, I was a Che fan, I wore black, beatnic style, later Hippy, later Punk.
I was and remain anti Vietnam war, I wanted/want an equal world, with equal opportunity. I was ever mindful failing to achieve my potential which I did spectacularly.
At 15, following my grandfathers death, we had a car crash. I hurt my face, I was scarred how ever small ( I lost two front teeth) I was unable to smile again for years embarassed by the face I presented to the world. I was told often to hold my head up and look people in the eye, but I did not want to so I retreated into my shell. Do you know? No one noticed because they were busy with their own lives, troubles and woes. I regret bitterly not engaging more with Granddad, he is gone and I can't ask those important questions in order to know him. I look endlessly at pictures of the 'old family' I have worked on my family tree. Talk to you family ask questions, when it is too late, it is too late. This is about your roots, your history and vital when seeking to understand yourself.
I wanted to be Germaine Greer I wanted to be bright, intelligent and challenging but I would always be trapped by middle England values. I had been Christened and confirmed I had been a Sunday School teacher but lost my faith in any God. You cannot impose faith it has to come from inside. For years I wore a Star of David in recognition of my need to atone for the ills of the world. I removed it years later in despair of believing that indeed 'an eye for an eye' was not the way forward but retrograde and doomed for disaster. I battled with understanding what was happening in Northern Ireland between and in the name of Christian Churches. No one should kill in the name of God, most kill for personal power.
I was 17 and half when I was raped, by a man I knew, whom I thought liked me. Besotted by his manner he was some 6 years my senior and a soldier. I was an ugly duckling, never in the IN CROWD never with a boyfriend. I lost my virginity in a rainy wood against my will. I was in the middle of my period, I was left bloody and bewildered. I remember the detail of my betrayal - I was the victim of a bet as to who could get the 'grimmer' to have sex. This is a 'boys game' which now finds expression in date rape drug scenarios. I remained silent because I knew I would get the blame, it had to be my fault. He was very violent and I thought he would kill me. It remained unreported until recently. I have tried all my working life to help victims of sexual assualt and domestic violence to try and deal with the fact that I did not speak up. This was a very dark period. I was in constant mental and physical pain.
I only told my story about the rape to my family recently.
I married in 1975 too young and divorced latter. I had always drank my problems away and this was no exception. Believe me living through the bottle does not work.
My relationships have as a result nearly always been - brinkmanship.
I gave up men for a long time except for quick flings with no emotional contact.
What I have now has lasted for 16 years so, I say this relationships can work but they take hard work. They don't magically become. My partner saw me through my worst depression. I worked hard to find answers, with the help of council, friendship and medication. I learnt to love myself, raise myself up, educated myself. I always am prepared to listen to those in distress. I walk with my head high, I do not let people bully me or put me down. I value my own ideas and yes on occasions I can be a touch arrogant. I expect better of people because I expect better of and for myself.
I resolved a lot of the baggage when I was having counselling, later supported by medication. Talking to a third, non involved, party allows you to be honest with yourself. I have stragtergies in place to manage the fear of my dark days.
I am against 'Forced Marriage' I am against the traffic of women and children for sex. I stand against Domestic Violence. I am against drug use and I blame drug growers/manufactures and dealers for the destruction of indiviudals in the millions - in my view a genocide. I blame high profile individuals drug use in making it cool. I stand foresquare against sex tourism. I condem the use of knives and guns on our urban streets. Drugs, Guns etc make money for the few who control the supply - what better way to under mine society than to kill the children with their own hand.
I have twice tried to kill myself, but life believe me is worth living. I like to look and feel good - ill or not ill.
My personal faith is just that personal, I pray, I wonder, I ask. Most importantly I do not believe anyone should tell you what you should believe. I do not tell you what your faith should be.
Come on Kids. Please try. TO LIFE Love Granny.
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