The business of illness is extraordinary, I have visited hospitals on my own behalf more in the last 5 weeks than ever in my life. As a patient you view things very differently from when visiting or working (as I have many times in the past) it is a strange world of machines and test. Today is my bone scan, a nuclear x-ray very 'Dr Who'. I cannot imagine it but would love to look at what my body looks like inside, what my structure is.
Happy Hoque the Breast surgeon, yes that is his name, did a lovely sewing up job, if only I was not so lazy at the physio. This meant a visit to see 'The Physio' a lovely girl called Nerys who could have fitted under my arm pit, I felt so tall and small at the same time as she told me off for not stretching enough. I also got to rub my scar, the first time I had touched it (I was afraid to you see) it is as if part of me while there physically is not connected to my brain, numb but not numb.
More tests next week prior to chemo (19th July) this time an abdominal scan and chest x-ray. Apparently the Breast Cancer cells like to migrate to the bones, chest or liver. This made me think of 'Silence of the Lambs' but no Chianti with this liver. As I said a business, but let me say this for the record the treatment, and staff from GP to the cleaner in the ward has been kind and efficient. Well done the NHS in very difficult circumstances. Remember to be a patient patient, there are always those worse off than yourself.
Am I scared? yes I am afraid that I am but I try not to cry, no time for self pity but actually you do need to cry sometimes so I watch 'Touched by an Angel' it allows me to cry for others. I have to say Della Reece has always been a favourite. My other sources of comfort are a book of prayers religon non specific, and the work of Maya Angelou which is inspirational and I am proud to say I saw her in London in conversation on stage and she was stunning and wise.
I read the other day in a paper that if you said you had been a hippy, then you probably had not been. I dispute this, I was one and remain one - proud to be for peace, love and flowers in my hair.
Sentimental oh very definately, I love happy endings to wonderful dreams.
The song that I have chosen to help me through this period is 'stand by me' by Shane Ward he has a fab voice and it means something to Mick and I, I will also listen to the tango, fado music and classical music to lift my spirits on down days.
Let's not forget that 90 years ago during the battle of the Somme the flower of the worlds men died so that there would be no more war, they died it appears in vain because war continues.
In the spirit of the forgiveness let us lay down our arms, we die quick enough as it is.
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