Breast Cancer is a life changing experience. Why? well in the first instance your body is made different, you lose part or all of the most visibly female part of you, the thing that everybody appears to value as the most important simble of femininity - other wise why would women seek to enhance boobs beyond the natural to the biggest and bigger as a statement that says I am more woman than the next woman. It has a price this love of self - it destroys and makes the individual the some total of a boob job and nothing more. The boobs that are created are plastic, and have no feeling of connection to the person, you might has well be a blow up doll for all that others (men usually) care. This is such a shame. As a result of this boob obsession, women with breast cancer who lose one or both completely are made to feel less than womanly and this is not just a shame it is a crime. Women are more than the sum of their boobs.
Now my boobs are truly individual. I am not ashamed of my scars.
Secondly my body has to fight this invasion, this growth, this tumour and it has to fight the chemicals that are trying to keep further growth at bay. This may not work and I could die from the spread of the disease. Therefore I must take advantage of the time that I have. I don't want to die, but I am no longer afraid of dying I have settled my mind to that. It is a journey I must take alone, although I am fully aware of the impact it has on my husband and my family who have to deal with this new me. They also have to deal with the fear.
All my life I have been afraid of knockbacks, I have been guarded and afraid of being me because I need to be liked. I am opinionated, and I am now even more sure I must voice my views. I always wanted to be an artist and writer, so here I am writing. I want to think outside my comfort zone and give all that I have to the time that I have left. I am exploring my art, not well but I am trying.
I have always earnt my own living, I have never been kept! I intend to keep it that way.
Thirdly I have become slower, more likely to rest than in the past. The informed opinion tells you that you have to slow down and take care of yourself, so I am doing as I have been told.
I still boil when I see injustice, bad behaviour and bad citizenship. I am more likely to explore my faith, what God is or is not. I don't believe in being part of a particular religious tradition I believe what I believe and don't press it on others, and do not expect to be pressured by others to follow this or that path. You only have to read the titles on my book shelf to see how I read around the issue of faith, of history, to women and their lives.
Fourth, I am stronger as an individual. I do not need to be validated by anyone elses opinion. To see me you must listen to my words and look into my face - where the truth about my life is. I will not shroud myself, that is why I am proud to be bald, and walk with my head held high and uncoverd. To cover myself would make me an object and not a person. I watch peoples faces all the time, I communicate with them non verbally this way. I look into their faces and smile, I acknowledge that they exist. I watch them look at me and look away because they are afraid of what they see, a bald woman who must have something teribble or I am an object of curiosity or ridicule (usually the young) Do I care, not a jot. In fact it makes me more defiant.
You can see where I am going with this, the debate about the veil, I personally feel that it reduces a woman to an object and that it is rude not to acknowledge that others have difficulty with it, not on religious grounds but on the simple fact that it implies secrets, lies or hiding away or that other women are less modest. It also means that the hard of hearing are excluded, many of us lip read even if we are not deaf in order to fully understand what is being said to us, across a crowded room for example or in a noisy environment such (especially) as a classroom. It is a discriminatory and exclusory act. By my not covering up my difference I am including everybody, they can see who I am and why I am. The veil is a difference for sure, but it objectifies rather than defines, it sets apart since others cannot understand who 'you' are. It divides and sets apart. The other type of head wear does not do this, it explains a particular religious stance but does not depersonalise the individual. through our facial expressions we show joy, love, fear, anger, resentment, so by covering the face we are cutting out almost three quarters of our means of communication. It is not a religious issue, since Nuns also cover themselves, but not their faces - for there we often find serenity.
Another issue, is whether a woman can wear a cross to work or not, small and unobtrusive! of course she should. it does not affect her ability to do her job as a desk clerk. She was a little silly to wear out side her uniform for very sensible reasons but to suspend her is ridiculous. I wear a cross (a crucifix actually) as a symbol and always have, because I value it, I wear it close to my heart, but under my clothing, my common sense tells me that a violent person could rip it off me. It does tell people I am Christian, but if it is under my shirt they don't see it but I hope by my actions recognise that I have certain values associated with Christian values such as compassion. But if my shirt is open neck, I will not take it off, if I lose it then it is my fault, but I don't make it too obvious and button up high enough to cover it while still being open necked. For the same reason I don't take of my wedding ring. This doesn't mean that I won't under any circumstances. I would certainly take it off while doing physical training in a gym or close quarters self defence, it would be stupid not to. One of my own considerations about jewellery is that if a uniform is being worn (military or police) earings should not be worn, it is so out of place, inappropriate and dangerous. I act on this myself and never have worn earings at work when in uniform. I am not a do as I say not as I do kind of person. I hope I have always lead by example. Do you see where I am going with this? it is about common sense and balance.
Lastly, I have always wanted to rise up through the ranks and reach a position of authority, so I could make a difference, but I never got around to it because I was lazy. I did study to give myself a certain power when I leave my job (retire) so that I can be careful in my choice of further employment in the later years. This now seems to have been wasted. I hope that I can live long enough to work for the pleasure of it rather than necessity alone. Of course bills will still have to be paid but - I want to do what I want to do. I also have wished to live abroad, in a sunny and laid back environment, maybe I will and may be I won't now be able to, but I will explore those possibilities. I will learn a language, play golf, swim more, paint and write for the pleasure of it. Is this where I thought I would be at nearly 52, no it is not.
If fate puts a strict time limit on me then, I will travel until I no longer can. I will enjoy my life.
That it for now. Love Granny.
No comments:
Post a Comment