KEEPING RAPE IN MIND

Link to post in this dated 29/07/2006

This is an intensely personal story.  I was a police officer for 30 years (1979-2009)  I remember it as if it was yesterday.

Why repeat it now?.......well the time is right, on the back of the Jimmy Savile revelations...along with others I want to remind everyone  out there that a victim of sexual abuse may be sitting next to you RIGHT NOW.   It was only in 2000 that I was able to tell my family what had happened to me when I was seventeen and a half.   I was 46 when I told them, I had told my first husband in 1976 (he was a police officer)  and a colleague in 1983 (a female police officer)   -  what happened nothing. I am 57 now....it remains the single thing that framed my life.


The rape, I suffered, destroyed me - left me hating sex, hating myself - I was left feeling filthy,  soiled, ashamed and guilty - yes guilty.....for his crime against me because I knew that most people would not believe me. It was the culture, I had to have provoked it,  I had to have been wearing provocative clothing and of course I asked for it!!!!!   The burden became heavy, I found it hard to sleep and when I did drop off the nightmare was replayed endlessly....even to the present day - It haunts me daily.  I blame myself for not speaking, he could have offended before.


At the time of the attack I was a quiet, naive, immature and I was a VIRGIN.   I had never had a boyfriend, except a sloppy kiss in a coach that was sweaty hands all innocent fumbling..which left me cold.  I wanted a boyfriend, I could admire I had no longing for sex, but for the romance the stories we read, the dream.   When I was 15 I had been involved in a crash, that left my face injured, my teeth broken and the front two lost, to be replaced by porcelain and gold teeth that looked black....I stopped smiling.  I considered myself to be ugly and unattractive.  I was not popular with the boys my crowd new...just a hanger on.  I was beginning to feel like a woman, my periods had arrived and I hated them. I was beginning to spread my wings blooming into womanhood, but I was spotty.  I was a tallish, thinnish creature with a sallow skin. I was invariably dressed in black or dull colours.  My school friends can vouch for all this.  

Let me take you back, to a summer, a summer when I had been in the sixth form for a year.  I was at Southampton Sixth Form College for Girls in Hill Lane I lived about a mile away (I walked) on the other side of the road was the 'Common' a large wooded area that hosted events during the year.

How did I meet this person?...who would take my choices from me and destroy my sexual life in the future.

It was on the Common at a  The Southampton Show, he was with a display of the Army...he was a soldier, a corporal....I was fascinated.....my brother who was with me and 5 years younger wanted to enjoy the boys toys.   

Despite my innocence, I was growing into womanhood, I was curious but  aware of my little deformity so hung my head and hardly smiled.

The corporal on the stand with the equipment was - Irish, with a divine accent....I stared at him under my lashes a shy little girl.  I was entranced,  as he paid attention to me.   We lived nearby and my brother in his innocence...asked him back for tea.  He had a powerful personality, he was nice to my parents and my brother.  My mother was tight lipped.  I was excited when he parked his land rover on our drive.  He was glamorous.  At last I was somebody to someone, I had a crush on an older man with a car and a job.   The two weeks passed in a whirl.    I knew he had served in NI. The events had spun me around. The occasional drinks with his mates, this was not a world I knew their knowing looks went over my head, the head of a child.

All of a sudden he was gone. "see you" were the words.

He had not asked me for sex directly but he had taken me to an army married quarters, home base, residence.  A house, that I would later find was his.    We sat and talked and yes kissed.   Looking back from here he could not risk forcing me to have sex here.   He told me it was the home of a friend and I thought it was true. I was sorry, but I thought it was me, I was back at college after the summer break, working part time, and consoled myself he was probably working as well.


So to the moment fate took a hand in my life,  the day.....a college day, I was to leave late but I was also tired having started my period, from which I suffer pain and mood changes. I wore what were called towels, for my period, a new style that came with pants that had a combe mechanism to hold the towel in place. No Tampax for me, internal protection, they scared me.

I  had been preparing for a forthcoming event.  The evening was wet and cold, the walk whom seemed daunting. I was tired so tried to hurry as I was bleeding heavily as normal and I felt terrible. The path way I was on  was direct to my home with only one turning right, not a single need for me to cross the road (Hill Lane) on the opposite side for the whole length is the Common.   I was used to the road, and not scared.  I was in heavy shoes, thick tights a tweed skirt and a duffel coat and carrying my case, hardly provocative.  I became aware of a vehicle slow driving on the other side....of the road travelling in my direction.   I heard my name called and looked to see that it was him.  He offered me a lift and relieved at not having to walk I crossed over and got in the door opened from inside. I was pleased to see him.

We spoke, hello,  how are you?  I noticed he was not 'friendly'  and that we passed my road, Raymond Road, "how about a drink" I really wanted to go home, I can not recall the exact words.  Something like, "I really must stop" "anyway  I should tell mum"  Was this inbuilt concern from a rebellious teenager?  No mobile phones then! We did not stop or turn round we headed to the traffic lights and turned Left to pass the football ground. Another left passed the cricket ground.  We drove into a narrow road on the the Common. We were in effect driving back to Hill Lane, back on ourselves but I knew that a car could not get through...with a barrier at the end of this road.  The Cemetery was on our right, just past the entrance and church.   It is wooded there with huge trees. There was poor light.

I was concerned, warning bells rang in my head,  suddenly every sense was alert. He smelt of drink, he seemed angry.  Rain drops hit the windscreen. It was as if the car was crying.  The smell of drink now seemed strong as he leaned over me from the driver seat.  He twisted slightly, he was heavy against me, face to face, he pushed his face in mine my mouth and lips were dry, I could barely speak. I felt sick as he tried to force his tongue into my mouth. I did not recognise him, he pushed me and his right hand slipped up my skirt, his right hand on my left knee.  Then between my thighs, separating, dividing my thighs on ward to my pants. He must, I reasoned feel my sanitary pants and the towel. I had never allowed this or indeed had the need to deny such behaviour previously. He didn't stop. He changed position and touched my towel, pressing the virginal area.

I seemed to come to life.  I pushed him away.  I clasped his wrist to and pulled his hand up and out with as much force as I could muster.."No! please don't"  I could not have been more clear. "I have my period" what more could I say? He did not hear or did not want to hear. My heavy blue duffel coat had toggles.  He tried to undo it. His wonderful Irish accent was now harsh and raw.  I can't remember the words.   I called me a tease, a 'prick tease' and accused me of playing a game. But it was I who was the game, I was a bet.  He had bet his colleagues he could have sex with the ugliest woman they came across....grab a 'grimmer'.  I was bought, a bet - I was not important.

The second he lent away - instantly but as if in slow motion I grabbed my bag and ran. I escaped the car.  He followed me, caught me and pulled me into the wood.    He pushed me against the tree, against the trunk. He pinned me to the tree, with his body and pushed me down with his weight.  He forced his tongue into my mouth.  He changed position so that I was leaning half up and half way down by the root.  I was crying, not sobbing but pleading tears.   My period, my period I cried.  I can still feel this and hear myself. Surrounded by trees, in darkness I was frightened for my life.

He used his arm across my chest and held me then reached the top of my pants and with one movement pushed me down, and away from the trunk. With his other hand he in one movement tugged my pants down with his knee hefted my thighs up.   It was so skilled so practised. His hands went in side my thighs lifting my bottom, skirt well up, his hand inside me.  He grunted, and roughly trust his fingers inside me.   All the time he was pressing on my chest, his left arm across me. He was astride me, his penis was thrust harshly inside. His trousers were not down, his penis was through the open zip.  I could smell my blood. A 'Stink' I cannot forget. I was swamped by him, overwhelmed by him.  This could not be what sex was about?   His fingers were also probing, so his hands must have had my blood on them.  It was all force. He fingered my anus.  Don't let anybody tell you that a man needs is trousers round his ankles to commit rape....he does not. 

I felt pain inside, he rammed me. I was jammed by his penis.  I felt he had done it before, it was expertly done, so clinical.

The time disappeared.

He was gone, I took off my tights and pants, replaced my shoes head for home a few yards way, so close but so far. Blood was all down my legs as I crossed Hill Lane, time was standing still.   Once in, shouted to Mum I am going to have a bath   I hid it, I hid the evidence that could have worked in my favour.   My life disintegrated. 

Later in the press I learnt of his arrest and charged with murder, conviction for manslaughter.  His wife and child.........To this I lost my virginity.....who cares?   Do you?

Keeping the work going

Before I go on....I can't spell for toffee....so apologies for past and future errors....I do try honestly and yes I know about spell check!!!!


I am still struggling with my PhD.   So any one out there have infomation on the following;

Sophia/Sofia Croll-Dalgairns
David Croll-Dalgairns
Annie Marie Christine Seager/Waygood/Dalgairns
Frederick August Howard Anderson
Henry Johnson Stanley
Rachel Theodora Chatfield Dalgairns
Ivor Stuart Croll Dalgairns
Theodora Christina Stanley aka Jarvis aka Mallik
Dalgairns of Coupar Angus
Lieutenant Colonel James Dalgairns
Edward Frederick Dixon Seager
Theodora Von Oswald
Theodora Rosina J F Caroline Oswald aka Seager.

My work is important to me, the research is designed to look at the lives of a group of women of whom Sophia/Sofia was the leader.

Someone out there must know one of the names/families above.

I HAVE BEEN - MISSING FROM MY BLOG

Where does the time go....nearly Christmas 2012, the Jubilee and the Olympic have been and gone...Things have made me angry but I have been silent.  

Lets see how we go from here.....

I am still looking for family members of the owmen I am researching....

I am still into fashion....

I have a new job that I love....

Discharged from cancer clinic...so fingers crossed.

See you soon.

CARISBROOK

VINTAGE FASHION ON THE ISLE OF WIGHT.

I am a huge fan of vintage fashion and this is the first of my profiles of such outlets on the Isle of Wight. The first shop is 'So Vintage' in Carisbrook. The window always fascinates, and is changed very regularly. There is significant stock, in fact packed to the rafters. Not only does it sell fashion but accessories. On one visit there was a fab 50's picnic set. There are some issues, the prices are a little high for my taste, will drive away potential purchasers. There is also limited opening but aim for Saturday. This is a family business so more power to them. Does carry the Vintage magazine.

SUNNY AND RAINY

Well at the end of another week on the island and I am fully moved into my office, the final write up of Phd is underway. Cowes week starts on Saturday which should bring some interesting people to the island, not least Zara Philips I hear. Her Mum is coming to open the new RNLI station etc. Perhaps we should be called the Royal Isle of Wight. The history here is fantastic, well worth coming just for that....but then again there are some fab beaches and a real traditional English Holiday atmosphere. Will get properly into this blogging and offer more insights. xx

TALKING ABOUT THE ISLE OF WIGHT

This is my new home, and I am unashamedly in love with it. There is of course always a but.... the people on the island, cant drive...reflected in the accident statistics... the roads are not suitable for 70mph due to the condition of the roads. The idea of not blocking a junction is lost on them which causes the most stupid congestion.... I do actually believe the council are in many ways guilty since they dont up date the juntion markings which have often faded to invisibility. The island is in danger from the cuts as well...they want to close way to many libraries and is currently being challenged in the courts. They also have messed up the schools.

I think this is a great place to shop, but we are reliant on stuff coming across on ferry. This means we are further held hostage to the outrageous cost of travel to the island.

I am delighted that there is a lack of big shopping malls, there is a proper high street culture. There are real green grocers, butchers and fishshops...supreme.

The County Press, is a good paper and informative. What it tells us is that crime is they same every where.

It is an island that has an elderly population, but there is a life for young people if they care to look for it. Move forward.

I shall be writing regularly now.

WHAT A FASHIONISTA SHOULD NOT WEAR

MUCH HAS CHANGED

Mick and I have moved recently. Still studying.

I am going to revamp this blog to focus on fashion in the shops on the Isle of Wight.

See you soon.

IN MY VIEW

Over the last few weeks there have been some extra-ordianary TV programmes about the long battle over 70 years ago, when young men took to the skies in Spitfires and Hurricans to take on Germany's bombers during the Battle of Britain. Maybe we should remember year on year that the reason we can live in (relative freedom) a Britain that should reflect this glory and not embrase petty celebrity culture.

For example George Michael, previously a talented singer, now a simple drug addict and not before time he is weeping in a cell. He has traded on his name and celebrity for far too long. Along with the Pete Docherty's and the Amy Winehouses the idea that money and celebrity exonerates that person from committing crime....wrong, oh so wrong. He is without doubt a wimp and a coward, he should be in solitary with no luxury to learn the value of reflection and how luck has been in life and how stupid he is as a person, arrogant and unthinking. He gave no thought to his partner. I care not a jot about him and hope he rots. He could have so easily killed a child...what would he have done then? Let's consign him to the bin of 'anonimity' and lets see how he likes that. The same of course can be said about Ricky Hatton, I guess he will run for rehab. I understand about depression I have suffered all my life but I have avoided, illegal drugs. I have had treatment and rose slowly from the mire.


A dear old lady died in anonimity this month, Eileen Nearne MBE wartime agent of the SOE strong under torture and silent in her life about her life. How different from the vainity of George who has not the courage to resist addiction. Now she will have the buriel service and recognition, she deserved. People passed her by or made up stories, they failed to consider that the elderly have lived full and interesting lives...and offer much insight into the world, its failings and its glories. I suggest those interested read 'A life in Secret - The story of Vera Atkins and the Lost Agents of the SOE' by Sarah Helm published in 2005.


I would have said much recently about child abuse, child deaths with parents killing themselves and their children. This is my view the most selfish act. I have watched the news with sorrow and the terrible disasters across the world, the floods of magnitude in Pakistan, with the self seeking government leaders looking only to their power. Millions of lives destroyed, the loss of food supply. The poor babies, so ill with diseases in the water that is polluted, the Taliban who are using this tragedy to cause problems while the Army tries it's hardest to save people. So much for politics and religion. Also of course there is the Pope's visit, for Catholics I see it as important, I have watched with interest. The overriding issue for me is the secrecy of the papal records which should be hand in total to criminal investigators. The truth is now out there, a Belgium Arch Bishop has confessed as have others, resulting in no value in secrecy unless there is more guilt and more to cover up.

The question of women being stoned to death or imprisoned because they are educated and covered from head to toe in the shroud that means death in life, should be condemned. I think every woman should stand hand in hand in every street, city, town, village, region, country and continent to say they stand with these poor desperate women victims of monsterous religiously fundemental states. There but for the grace of life go us, each woman could face this future.


I have been horiffied (by way of balance) I also condemn really stupid girls, who without understanding real freedom, behave in such as a way for me to say 'I why do I bother to care when they dont'. I find many women have wasted the opportunites that WW2 was fought for. freedom yes, right to speak ones mind yes, but commonsense, accountability and responsibility an even bigger yes yes yes.


TV REVIEW. I have loved 'Val and Roger are In' excellent acting, beautiful story. The new series of 'Who Do You Think You Are' and Merlin of course. Can't wait for more Dr Who, love Matt Smith. Hope to see Anne Widdicombe win Strictly Come Dancing!!!!!!



THOSE CUTS. Well I think all benefits should be reviewed, the elderly should get preferencial treatment for any money available.

I have been researching the history of female employment, nothing has changed... I do however think that you should take jobs offered even if it is not a job you want (in the 20's and 30's this happened, you lost your benefit if you did not take up work) You build up your CV of course with every job you do. Think adult education, at home, on line to improve your skills. Form family co-operatives in your local environment and share child care. Yes of course you have to be careful, but if it means that one person picks up children from school - do the checks and use your commonsense. Think forward. Education is important, vital, but not everyone can be a university candidate, for goodness sack avoid the media courses, you will only end up watching yourself, there are only so many places in media. You need to be able to READ, WRITE, DO MATHS in addition there should be mechanics, cookery and domestic management for all. Married or single you have to balance your finances.

Avoid all credit cards and loans......cut you consumption to you income. Bin the huge wide screen TV's. This Christmas spend money on making it a family one, with good food instead of over priced presents.


My heart is with Coleen Rooney and her son Kai, If I was her he does not come anywhere near me until he has full checks for all sexually transmitted diseases and never ever trust him again use a condom. His foolish and dishonest behaviour could lead to her having serious health problems in the future. SHAME ON WAYNE ROONEY. Don't think footballers are super dooper guy's to fall for, they are pathetic and stupidly attached to their 'manhood' AVIOD LIKE THE PLAGUE.


RANT OVER. FOR NOW.

X FACTOR

Generally I do not watch this programme but did today.....I saw the most beautiful young girl, with a superb voice...watch on. COME ON GAMU. xxx Granny

STOP BULL FIGHTING

This week a video was show across the world of a poor bull taking a huge leap into the crowd of people watching a bull ring in which young men taunted the bull to chase them. The bull did not want to do this, and was frightened by the noise of the baying crowd around him. Fight or Flight a natural response...the bull did not want to fight and chose to flee, no animal except a traumatised one would make that extra-ordinary leap. It did not mean to hurt, but the poor thing ended up tied and shot...for what escaping his torturers. Sham on you. Stop this obscene sport now. The bull was a magnificent animal, his DNA is lost to the future of his breed.

Granny

TEARS FOR JIMMY REID

Today is the great man's funeral, One of the most moving orations I have ever heard. Love you Jimmy Reid. A Christian and a Socialist....I believe that these are two important features of my life as well. A Govan man. God Bless you sir. Granny

Anna Komnene (Comnena)

I have found a new heroine, plenty about her on the web. (particularly Wikipedia which has cross references ) Dates 1083-1153 Byzantane Princess, scholar - breadth of her knowledge included philosophy, literature, grammar, theology,astronomy, medicine. One of the first western women Historians. Married to Nikephoros Bryennios. Later lived in Monastery, an intelectual genius. I first heard about her yesterday on a program about the Normans, her book about the Crusades (not a particularly pro book) and her own fathers reign.

Let us hear more about these women, hidden to all but the specialists.

Love Granny

MORE BLUEWATER FOR MEN

After quite along time I am back. I paid a Saturday trip...wrong, definately a place to avoid on Saturday. I paid my visits to my usual favourites, Urban Outfitters of course, but I only look for inspiration, never to buy, too expensive, ridiculously so in the financial climate.

For the guy's SUITS YOU has a sale, if you are looking for a job, along with updating your CV look at your wardrobe. We are talking competition here, right impact with the CV, current and addressing the job you are going for....no your company. Then look at their image, match yours, smart, clean, well pressed and finished with a clean look and personal hygiene, no one wants to work with someone who has a BO problem. I like The Russell Brand look but not a good look for an insurance company! There may be several 100 others going for this job and they will have done their home work, some may not...move yourself up the list. Do you want that salary? Look at different looks that work for you, trousers narrow or wide leg, not shinny please. Give up smoking, Ashtray is not a good look. DO YOUR HAIR! Muscles are ok but not pumped up and steroid boosted so ugly. A light tan not over done meat, Smell good as well but not over powering. A good smart briefcase is an investment. A watch - for time keeping and a diary are a must...late is not a good start. Show you can manage your time, keep your private life at home. David Beckham, knows how to work it...just look at him when he started the England World Cup Holding Bid. He can do it, can you? think carefully.

By 'The Way'....all the above go for female candidates as well.


My big visit was to John Lewis, not a favourite of mine but there is a new food hall. Definately High End, Gourmet options for shopping not an everyday visit. THE COST is a big consideration, but definately if you have to impresss the inlaws then a visit here can help from a wide exclusive range think starters, and excellent meat section, a Wine section with a bar that serves food, full when I visited. A Charcuterie to die for and a Cheese section that I would kill for. Fish, I suggest the ready to cook 'Sea Bass fillets in fennel butter' new pots and a single fresh veg. Interesting bread needs to be fresh. For eggs you can expect that you will know the breed, go organic and Free Range. A big yes from me but this a place to visit for that really special meal.


Despite what I said about the looking for work look, I do believe in the individual look. Know yourself, expert hair is a treat, you can do it yourelf....but know your products and dont do 'Crazy Colour' unless you can carry it off.

Surprisingly, I am the girl who likes Victoria Beckhams designs. She knows what she is about. Like Danni Minogue, I have an extensive style book, just like hers.

Love Granny

BARBARA BUSBY

Please let me have your e mail, in response to you last....19/06/1010

I AM NO LIZ JONES.

I have to say I disagree with The Daily Mail fashion writer, 04/05/2010 She does not like the thick tights and shoes that Carey Mulligan is shown wearing in a picture with Miu Miu outfit. I do....I also think Carey is by far and a way a style icon, she is fresh, young, sassy, bright, intelligent, original and classy. Forget all the other glitzy women with whom she shares page 23.



I am very much in favour of the style that you find on Joe Brown clothing. It is quirky and I love the tie dye, the dip dyed, the tie up style dresses. Leggings worn with shorts, which I have now taken to wearing, wear with really light cardigans. I like florals and light coloured lace with anything black this season.



I like harem pants, I like maxi dresses as well and recently found a stunning example in black in my usual haunt of the charity shops.



I know perfume is very personal, I wear Avon, Rare Gold (Autumn) and warm and Rare Silver (Summer) not fashionable I know but they suit me and are not expensive. On a pension you have to be careful. I have renovated some jewellery, for the Hippy look I really wish I could design jewellery. I really look forward to a warm summer to remind me of the era of peace and california.



With the credit and money situation, recycle clothes...it is dead easy and you can have a real fun time and look original which allows you to stand out in the crowd of sheep who do not venture past the High Street.

I am still, sort of the happy to shop in Bluewater but many of the shops remain far to expensive.

Granny

BERTHA GLEGHORN

Does anyone know where this lady was buried, second world war?

WHAT THE TV IS FOR

The best performance in a Drama...on the BBC = Sue Johnson and Alun Armstrong in a Passionate Woman. Two of the best of our actors ..... Long may they reign.

Sunday on the BBC 18th April 2010 which is why I pay my licence fee.

Songs of Praise
Country File - I loved the young man who wants to be a farmer...PLEASE help him someone.
Antiques Road Show (shame that it clashed with Foyles War - ITV)
A Passionate Woman
Great British Railway Journeys

Why I watch TV in General.
I Love Ross Kemp and his documentaries.
Stephen Fry for his mind
Katy Brand, what a girl and Jenny Eclair with her Grumpy Old Women
Tony Robinson - everything as he does.
David Attenborough
Michael Palin
Prof Brian Cox
Fiona Bruce

Anything, Art, History and Science.

Where I find an chance to learn.

Granny xx

VOTING

Let those in the Labour and Conservative Parties understand that this election is not a two horse race. They do have to realise that their lack of understanding will allow more than the Liberals to get a nose in.

The election should be about 'service' to society not individual politicians aspirations or arrogance about seniority/experience.


Something needs to be done about the 'fashion' of killing among gangs and young people...the result I have to say as a result of the 'sterilisation' of police stop and search powers.

Dogs as weapons of offence...is a real problem. It is also an issue of dogs in families...I don't leave my beloved dog unsupervised with my grandchildren. Dogs are unpredictable, but a dog should not face the death penalty when it cannot defend itself....just because it is a dog...the owners should be punished....

Who do I trust....Michael Portillo, Vince Cable, make of that what you will. Granny